Go Gentle with Grievers
Death and grief are as much a part
of life as living. If we, ourselves, live long enough, we will
encounter loss and grief and so will people we love and care for.
Learning how to be a good support system for a grieving loved one is
a skill worth building.
Death is so personal and it can feel
and seem awkward to be around a person experiencing deep and possibly
private pain. A good tip is to take cues from the griever. Depending
on their personality, they may benefit from talking about their loss.
Some would rather have the burdens of daily living divided. Refrain
from asking the person an open ended question like what do they need.
Grief can be all consuming and drain energy quickly. Ask instead,
“Would you prefer I bring dinner tonight or help you with
housework tomorrow?” Or a similar type request based on what you
know about this person’s needs.
Another way to help a griever
is to touch base frequently. This is even more important at and
beyond the six week mark. In my personal and professional opinion, a
person who has suffered loss has a six solid weeks of support. Then
life goes on for most people. This is not judgement as many people
are not trained in grief support and can be at a loss. While the
world moves on, the griever may feel stuck. This is not the time to
expect a quality give and take friendship. The griever’s needs are
more immediate and acute. It helps when you reach out by email or
text, say your supportive words and then add- no need to respond. You
may not always get a response but it may just be what your friend or
family member needed to hear. With consistent contact, they will
respond and with gratitude. You may be their unspoken lifeline.
Pets. Pets are like family to so many people. When someone
loses a beloved pet, it can be a deep and impactful loss. A dog or
cat or another creature will become such a sweet part of every day
life. We give to them and they give back all that and more. There is
no need to distinguish what loss is more severe. It depends on the
situation and the person and there is absolutely no way to categorize
how another human grieves. Even different deaths are grieved in
different ways. I grieved the death of my Mom and Dad so uniquely
that is was shocking to me.
A griever needs help, support and
a judgment free zone. In time, you may be the griever and will be
acutely aware of what helps and heals versus what is hurtful or less
than helpful. A word to the wise. Never declare to know just how they
feel. Rather, state you are there for them no matter what they are
going through.